


The Road is Paved with Nightmares and Hope

by asymmetricalJester



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Time, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Pets, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Shooting, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-11 11:38:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2066691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asymmetricalJester/pseuds/asymmetricalJester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The road to recovery is a long one. Steve Rogers thinks that he can make it a little easier for his new friend, and he refuses to give up on him no matter what.</p><p>Aka: Bucky has PTSD and Steve's with him till the end of the line.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Group Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there~! This is my first chapter fic in a really long time (At least a year)
> 
> I've been plotting it for a week now, I've got some good ideas for it so I really hope you guys enjoy it! 
> 
> I plan on updating weekly at the least, but updates might come twice a week if I can write them quickly. 
> 
> I wanna thank my BETA, xambonie on tumblr, for putting up with me during this process. She's really the best BETA a person could ask for.

Somewhere in the dark there was a cry. 

A man with shaggy brown hair jolted awake from a nightmare. His heart was racing in his chest, pupils dilated with fear as the nightmare replayed in his head. 

After a long time the man finally calmed down. He looked at the clock; it’s 6 am. Might as well just stay up. He let out a long, pained sigh and got out of bed. It was quiet in his apartment, and the quiet was the worst. It always led to an ache in his heart. He chalked it up to loneliness. “Maybe I should get a cat.” he mumbled to himself, watching as the sky started to lighten. He’s seen the sunrise too many times, and never by choice. 

By the time he’s done showering the coffee is ready and the sun is completely up. The caffeine helped to make him alert but he was finding that he couldn’t go a day without constant grogginess, no matter how much caffeine he ingested. At least he liked how it smelled and tasted. He checked his phone. Several texts from his ex, a few from his old boss. He let out a long suffering sigh and ignored the texts, not interested in talking to them anymore. It was hard enough for him to cut them out of his life, their constant beratement making it so much harder.

A thought crossed his mind, a dark one. If he hadn’t been for the weekly group therapy sessions he probably would have gone back to them. He was glad for the help. But he still thought he should get a cat. It would make him feel better, at least that was what they always told him in therapy. 

Xx

The man rarely left his apartment. He didn’t see a need to, he had been a people person before but now...Now he had a hard time with it. He really only left for group therapy and to get the necessities. His psychiatrist had recommended group therapy to him. She seemed to think having him talk to people with similar experiences would help. She wasn’t wrong, that was something at least.

He always avoided making small talk with the cabbies and they didn’t really seem to care. This ride was no different than most so he kept quiet, just staring out the window for the ride. When the cab pulled up he got out and entered the building. After signing in he took a seat near the back, fidgeting as people started to file in and take their seats. There were more people here than normal.

The meeting started and they were immediately told they were doing things differently this week. The clinic had brought in old members of the group, members who had been helped by the therapy and were now doing well. Apparently they were being paired up to talk about things one on one, based on how bad off they were and how well the person they were being paired with had done. He went where he was told, waiting for his partner to sit down. He kept his eyes trained on the floor, not looking up when he heard the creaking of a chair as someone sat down. 

“Hey there.” the voice was calm, friendly even. He looked up, blue-grey eyes catching a set of blue eyes. He was frozen for a moment unable to find his voice. He was completely sure he looked like a deer caught in headlights. That suspicion was confirmed when the man in front of him laughed. Oh god what a smile. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be annoyed that he was being laughed at or smile back. The smile seemed infectious.

“Relax, I don’t bite.” the man said, trying to be reassuring. “My name’s Steve Rogers. It’s nice to meet you.” he said, holding out his hand. 

Straightening up, the brunette stared at the hand, slowly reaching out with his metal hand to grasp Steve’s. “James Barnes. Everyone calls me Bucky.” he responded, pulling his hand back. 

Steve didn’t say anything about Bucky’s hand. In fact, Steve launched into his personal story. Developing PTSD after coming back from war, getting involved in some bad things, but pulling himself out and getting better. He started asking Bucky questions about what happened to him, but it was gentle probing. He never pushed it, especially when he saw the look on Bucky’s face as he struggled to find a place to start.

To say Steve Rogers was a pushover was an understatement. The guy had a damn bleeding heart. And seeing this virtual stranger in front of him looking so broken, well it crushed Steve. He furrowed his eyebrows, wanting to help this man. 

“Sorry, it’s just hard to talk about still,” Bucky said after a moment. He took a deep breath and nodded once, starting from the beginning of the problems. “I was in the war. My arm got messed up pretty badly, they had to amputate at the shoulder. When I came back I met a man. He’s a pretty wealthy business owner, heard my story. Said he wanted to help out a disabled vet. Asked if I’d be the first to try out these new prosthetics… It was a fucking nightmare, getting this thing on. So much pain. He offered me work, It uh… I got mixed up in some things because of him and… And I…,” he mumbled, running a hand through his hair. It looked like he was in physical pain. 

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me just yet. I get it, it’s hard,” Steve said quietly. He went into his wallet and pulled out his card. “Listen, I want you to call me. Whenever. For whatever. You look like you need a friend.” Steve said quietly.

Bucky stared at him, drinking in his appearance. He was a stunning man, and he hadn’t even flinched at Bucky’s arm. A first. He was offering to talk to him about these things, these things that he could hardly talk about with his best friend. But he felt comfortable with this man somehow. He took the card and nodded, smiling for the first time that day. “Thank you.”

Steve smiled at him, standing up. “I mean it Bucky. Call me, any time. We can get coffee or something. I want to help you get better.” he said firmly. He had been told this man was pretty bad off, they considered him a lost cause really. Been told he didn’t have much of a support system. He didn’t realize how bad it would be once he got to talking to him. He made a personal vow to help Bucky get better. If it was the last thing he did he would help this man smile again.


	2. Coffee Shop

Another night, another nightmare. 

This time it was only 2 am, so Bucky rolled over to try and sleep more. He soon found it was useless, just tossing and turning for hours. Eventually he turned onto his side and looked at the clock, noting that it read 7 am. He sat up with a groan, deciding it was time to get up anyway. He turned on the coffee pot, like he did every morning, and showered, like every morning. Checked his phone again, more texts from people he didn’t want to hear from. And then a text from Steve.

After getting his card Steve had insisted on giving Bucky his cell phone number too, which led to Bucky returning the favour. At first Bucky had thought Steve was doing this out of pity, but he had to tell himself that it wasn’t pity. Steve had been there, he knew what he was going through. 

And after all, wasn’t Bucky just thinking the day before that he needed a friend he could talk to? Steve could be that guy for him. He opened the text and blinked a few times. Steve was asking if he wanted to go get coffee around noon. He looked at the clock. It was 10:30 now. He shot a text back, accepting. When was the last time he went out with someone? Saw someone other than Natasha? He couldn’t remember.

After confirming a time and place with Steve, Bucky got up and got dressed, sticking to a leather jacket over a t-shirt, ripped jeans, ankle boots, and gloves. He didn’t like showing off his metal hand if he could avoid it. 

About 11:30 he went to the coffee shop, showing up early. It wasn’t far from his place but he wanted to be sure he was there on time. He also wanted to scope out the place to make sure that he knew the exits. There was a paranoia that his ex or his old boss would show up, but he was in New York and they weren’t. It was a silly fear, he knew, but he couldn’t help it.

At 12 sharp Steve strode into the place. He had a warm smile on his face and he was dressed casually. Bucky’s breath caught in his throat as he watched him. He wasn’t interested in Steve as anything other than a friend but he was a very attractive man. He could admit that much, and he wasn’t so broken as to not be able to notice that sort of thing. 

He watched the blonde take a seat across from him, nervously running a hand through his messy brown hair. Steve took a long look at Bucky, a frown on his lips. “Nightmares?” he asked, arching a brow.

Bucky nodded, chewing on his lower lip. “It’s a nightly thing…” he said quietly. 

Steve opened his mouth to ask what it was about, but the waitress came over to ask what they wanted. They both ordered black coffee and she left them alone again. “You don’t have to tell me but...What was the dream about?” his voice was quiet, understanding. 

Bucky let out a long sigh, debating on telling him. He didn’t see why not. But he also wasn’t sure if he should spill his guts to a virtual stranger. “I don’t remember much. Think it was about my arm,” he lied. He remembered every detail of the dream. It was about how he got his arm, that much was the truth. 

Nodding slowly, Steve sighed. “Those are hard. But I think it was easier when I couldn’t remember the dream. Gives you less to dwell on. You can’t agonize over the details if you can’t remember them.” he said, chuckling darkly.

The coffee arrived and Bucky lapsed into silence. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a normal conversation. He had a feeling Steve could tell though. He worried at his lower lip, trying to find something to say when Steve helpfully started to talk. “So tell me about yourself Bucky, I see you’re wearing dog tags.” he said, pointing to his chest. 

Bucky’s fingers enclosed around the tags and he nodded. “Yeah, came back from the desert after my arm and I got… got the metal one. Some politician. Wanting to help a disabled vet. Gave me a job after too...” Bucky started but he had to stop to take a deep breath, balling his hands into fists on the table. 

He couldn’t feel the warmth through the leather of his gloves but he could feel the pressure of the hand squeezing. He looked up, meeting Steve’s eyes. “It’s alright. It’s hard to talk about. But I’m hoping that we can be good friends Buck. I’m hoping you can tell me what happened to you so I can help you get better,” he said quietly. 

Bucky was sure he was going to tear up after that. “I only really have one friend right now. She’s good help. She doesn’t really get what I went through though. I was in a bad place. Wouldn’t leave that place. Almost went back when I finally got out. She doesn’t get why I would. I can’t really explain it either.” he said softly, sighing.

Steve nodded. He got it. He was taken advantage of, at least that’s what he was guessing. That was a deep trauma. He remembered someone at the clinic telling him Barnes was almost a lost cause. That’s why they asked Steve to talk to him though. He had a pretty good track record with helping people get better. “You don’t have to try and explain it to me. You’re not in that situation anymore though, you got out. That’s what’s important.” he said firmly. 

A heavy sigh and Bucky was looking up at him again. “I know that. I have to… I have to remind myself every day why I left. They still text me. Call me. I’ve changed apartments three times since moving here; I’m paranoid they’re looking for me. I’ve changed my number twice. Thinking about changing it again. Probably won’t help but I’ll have a few weeks of peace,” he said softly. 

There was a frown on Steve’s face; it made Bucky sad. He didn’t like seeing Steve frown, not when his smile was so stunning. “Have you considered a restraining order?” he asked quietly. 

Bucky sighed heavily. “Yeah but… I can’t. This guy…He’s in a pretty big position of power. He owns a lot of businesses, most of them not legal. If I tried to get a restraining order, he’d have someone come after me; just to get me to shut up so I don’t make him look bad. He has to try and maintain his image. He’s trying to get into politics,” he said quietly. 

Steve’s hands balled into fists and Bucky’s heart started to pick up in speed. He looked so angry. “I don’t know you that well Bucky, but… I swear to god that I’m not gonna let you get hurt. I’ll do everything I can to make sure you’re okay,” he said firmly. 

He avoided Steve’s eyes this time. “I… Thank you. For trying with me. I know I’m pretty hopeless,” he mumbled.

Steve put his hand back over Bucky’s, causing him to start slightly. “Hey. I’m with you till the end of the line pal. Sides, no one is hopeless. Not if I can help it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are liking this fic so far!! Thank you anyone who has left a kudos <3 I've been working on getting a backlog built up so I can post twice a week but we'll see how that goes.
> 
> Again, thanks to my WONDERFUL beta for dealing with me while I worked through these chapters, xambonie is the most amazing person ever okay?
> 
> If you'd like, feel free to follow me on tumblr! I'd link here but I'm not sure how to include a link on this site yet >:I My URL is asymmetricaljester.tumblr.com and I post a lot of Sebastian Stan.


	3. Steve Rogers is a ray of fucking sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve Rogers is too nice for words and Natasha tries to get Bucky to buy a cat

Steve Rogers was a fucking ray of sunshine. The guy was always smiling and joking around. But if you had known him five years ago, you’d know a completely different man. Sam Wilson had been friends with Steve at that point in his life - they had met at the VA when Steve was at his lowest. Sam was retired from the service, but he knew the look of a man with PTSD and helped him get better.

The two men had a strong bond, so Sam knew first-hand how devoted Steve was to helping people. When they met up after the group session he could see in Steve’s face that something was wrong. He eventually got Steve to talk to him about Bucky and he knew from that moment that nothing was going to stop him from trying to help this man.

That was just the type of guy Steve was though. He didn’t get anything from helping people other than the satisfaction that there was one more person in the world a little happier than before. And he had a thing for lost causes. Sam Wilson knew that Steve liked to take someone everybody else had given up on and help them get better. It was his gift. That’s what he admired most about Steve. 

“You should have seen the look in his eyes Sam… He looked so lost, I just couldn’t help but give him my phone number. I didn’t think he’d agree to getting coffee with me but he did. I don’t know if he’s as hopeless as everyone is saying, I think he just needs a friend.” Steve and Sam had caught a late dinner. Steve had wound up spending most of the day at that coffee shop with Bucky, talking to him and getting to know him. It was small things, nothing very personal, but it was a start. If he could open up to a virtual stranger, there was hope.

“I just honestly think everyone took one look at him and what he went through and thought, ‘Nope. Not gonna try with this one,’ and then gave up on him. It breaks my heart Sam,” Steve seemed really distraught over the matter. It was a little concerning for Sam. He knew Steve to get invested in people he helped, but not like this. There had to be something about this man that was making Steve like this.

“I don’t doubt it Steve; a lot of vets are given up on. Especially the ones that had to deal with more when they got back. You’re doing a good thing here, helping him,” Sam reassured him, voice soothing. He didn’t like seeing his friend so worked up like this. 

Steve chuckled and shrugged. “Just doing what’s right Sam. This guy needs me, I gotta help him,” he said quietly.

Xx

Anyone who knew James Buchanan Barnes before he met his old boss could tell you that he had been a smart, confident, cocky man. A man who could talk anyone out of their pants. He had been the top of his class in school and made Sergeant easily in the military. If he had continued on the path he was on he would have went through the ranks quickly. 

Natasha Romanov hadn’t known Bucky before he lost his arm. She was sure he was a good guy before hand, not to say he wasn’t a good guy now, but sometimes the old Bucky came through. The charming caring man that swept so many girls off of their feet. She liked it when that happened. She had been the one to get Bucky out. To get him to safety. The one to encourage him to get help. 

She also knew that she was his only friend. It was hard, seeing him so lonely. She cared very deeply for him and she had tried numerous times to set him up on dates or at least get him to meet new people but it always ended badly. That’s why she was shocked when she found out that he went out to get coffee with a virtual stranger. And he had opened up to him. 

They were sitting in Bucky’s apartment, looking through animal shelter websites to help Bucky find a cat when he brought it up. “Well now I have to meet this man,” she said casually, the surprise barely registering on her face. She was trying to be as off-hand about it as possible so Bucky didn’t get suspicious. 

It was just odd to her. Natasha had never known Bucky to be very talkative, even though he had told her once that he used to be a lot chattier. But in the whole time knowing him, she’d never seen him warm up to a stranger like this. She was sure he was a nice guy, but there was something… Off about this. “Is he cute?” she asked casually. Maybe he had a crush. That was also off but it would make sense.

Bucky tensed next to her and then relaxed after a moment. “He has a nice smile. Too much of a nice boy for your tastes though,” he said quietly. 

She smirked, raising an eyebrow. “Maybe I like nice boys. Maybe I like ruining them,” she said sweetly, sitting a little straighter to enhance the joke. 

With a snort Bucky rolled his eyes. “I don’t think you could ruin this guy. He’s… Good. I mean he has to be to be willing to talk to me,” he said, a sad note to his voice. 

“What about that one?” Natasha changed the subject smoothly, not wanting to dwell. She’d spent hours upon hours trying to convince Bucky he was worth happiness, worth saving. He wouldn’t believe her. So maybe this Steve guy could convince him. 

Bucky made an approving noise in the back of his throat. “It’s missing a leg though, it’s broken,” he pondered aloud, glancing at his own arm. 

Natasha smiled. “All the more reason for you to get it. It’s missing the same body part as you, you can show it that it isn’t broken,” she beamed. 

Bucky stared at her as if she was speaking a foreign language. “Hell, maybe it’ll teach you a thing or two about not being broken,” Nat said, patting his knee. Bucky just rolled his eyes, staring at the picture of the cat for a long moment. 

“Let’s go. I want him,” he mumbled after a while. Natasha just stood up, grabbing her keys so she could drive them to the shelter. This would be good for Bucky, she knew it. And so was this Steve guy. She was still a little apprehensive, but she could see it in Bucky’s eyes when he talked about Steve. There was something special about this guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm really liking where I'm going with this fic! One more chapter of Bucky and Steve getting to know each other and then we get into the nitty gritty. I've got up to chapter 7 written (I'm just waiting on my Beta to have the time to read the chapters for me) and so far nothing physical. This is a sloooooooooooooooooooooooow burn. It's gonna happen though. And when it does expect the rating to go up from teen :D
> 
> I appreciate all the kudos and comments <3 I really hope I didn't fuck up Natasha and Sam's personalities. Expect to see more Nat from this chapter onwards, possibly more Sam too! I'm gonna try and squeeze in a few more characters in later chapters but we'll see!


	4. Of Pets and Playdates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets a cat. Natasha gets nosey.

Bucky discovered quickly that having a cat wasn’t nearly as much work as he had anticipated. Cats were independent creatures, and even though Bucky’s cat was disabled he was finding it very easy to take care of this cat. Winter was missing his front left leg, it was part of the appeal really. He loved watching his cat scamper around, acting as if his missing limb wasn’t any sort of hindrance. It was… Inspiring. 

It had been about four days since Bucky had coffee with Steve, not that he was keeping track or anything, but the two had been texting pretty frequently. It was all casual, nothing deep or intimate, but it was nice. For Bucky, it was a distraction. It got his mind off the loneliness that was always threatening to overtake him. Besides, it was really nice to talk to someone that wasn’t Natasha. 

For Steve, it was making sure Bucky was okay. Keeping an eye on him. He wanted to help this man as much as possible, but he had a feeling it was going to take a lot to really get him to warm up to him about this stuff. They were currently texting back about forth about their respective pets: Bucky had mentioned getting a cat to Steve, who in turn mentioned he had a golden retriever. 

Bucky smirked to himself, picturing the blonde with a big dog on his lap licking his face. It seemed appropriate to him, considering Steve seemed very much like a golden retriever. 

Steve: Maybe we could have a pet play date.

Bucky stared at the text. He wanted to hang out again? It was one thing to text him, Bucky was pretty sure the man was just being nice, but did he really wanted to see him again? He felt his face heat up slightly as he sent back a text saying okay, whenever Steve wanted. 

The two men set up a play date for the next afternoon and Bucky found himself stretched out on the couch, staring at the ceiling. Winter had curled up in his lap and was purring loudly. He stroked the cat’s fur, a grin spreading across his features. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this excited for something. There was something about the blonde though, something that made him feel better. Safer even. He dwelled on that for a moment, getting lost in his thoughts until there was a knock at the door.

His blood ran cold and he carefully reached for the gun hidden on the underside of the coffee table. He gently shooed Winter, standing up and gripping the gun. With very quiet, practiced steps he went to the front door. The gun was out in front of him, pointed at the floor but not too far down that he couldn’t quickly shoot whoever was behind the door.

Leaving the chain lock on, he slowly opened the door a crack. A sigh of relief left his lips as he saw it was Natasha. “Why didn’t you text me,” he grumbled, unlocking the door. He looked irritated as Natasha entered the apartment, making an exaggerated show of looking around the apartment. 

“I did some research on your friend,” she said, eyeing him with a smirk. Bucky opened his mouth, prepared to yell at her for doing that, when she held up her hand. “I was just being safe. He sounded too good to be true. Still does, honestly, but there isn’t anything on his record. At all. He’s spotless.” 

Bucky let out a sigh and raked a hand through his hair, stooping so he could pick up Winter who was rubbing between his legs. The cat was calming, just having Winter in his arms made him feel light years better. “Can’t you just trust my judgement,” he asked, sounding a little bitter.

Natasha laughed and clapped his arm. “Do you remember how we met? Of course I can’t trust your judgement,” she said, putting her hands on her hips. “Do you plan on seeing him again? I want to meet him myself. Fury’s heard of him, he tried recruiting him a few months ago but he wasn’t interested.” 

Groaning, he flopped on the couch. “I don’t need you going. We’re hanging out tomorrow, at a pet park. He has a dog, and they told me Winter was an outdoor cat, so I got him a leash and a harness…” He looked grouchy as he spoke, half wanting Natasha to go for backup just in case, but not wanting her to go as well. He didn’t want her to scare Steve off. As much as he adored Natasha she was… Intimidating. Which wasn’t a bad thing, but he wasn’t sure how Steve would handle her and he liked Steve. He wasn’t willing to lose his new friend already. 

Rolling her eyes, Natasha sat down next to him on the couch. “I’m not gonna shoot the guy, I just wanna see him for myself. You haven’t spent time with anyone other than me since I got you out, forgive me for being curious.” She rolled her eyes, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

Bucky let out a long suffering sigh and held the cat closer. She was going to show up no matter what he said. “Fine,” he grumbled, shooting Steve a text to warn him he had someone coming along. Steve just responded with a cheerful okay. Of course. He was too damn nice.

Natasha wrapped an arm around Bucky’s shoulders, smiling at him and the cat. “Cheer up, it’ll be fun.” 

Xx

The next day was cold and wet. It has stormed all night, the thunder and lightening shaking the brunette’s house until the wee hours of the morning. There was still a steady drizzle, making things downright miserable. Bucky was eternally grateful that the pet park had an indoor area; he didn’t want Winter getting muddy. The idea of having to give his cat a bath was nerve wracking and he didn’t want to have to deal with that panic attack. 

He and Natasha showed up early and were letting Winter wander around and investigate when a large yellow dog came barreling towards them. There was a laugh and then a call of the name “Yankee” and Bucky looked up to see Steve walking towards him. The dog sniffed at Bucky’s metal hand and then sat, panting happily at them. They were the only people in the building so of course they were the most interesting things to the yellow lab. 

Yankee was a well trained dog, listening to Steve’s command for him to sit and stay but it didn’t stop Winter from being terrified of him. The cat was hiding behind the brunette’s legs, hissing. Bucky stayed quiet as Natasha introduced herself and started chattering away with Steve. He could tell that she was trying to get a good read from the blonde man, trying find out if he was in any way dangerous. 

Bucky resigned himself to sitting on the floor with Winter in his lap while Yankee sniffed at the cat. They were getting along, which was a huge relief to the brunette. Bucky didn’t want to have to hide his cat from the giant dog. 

Steve glanced at Bucky, then crouched next to Yankee. “Yankee this is Bucky and…” he said, eyeing the cat with an amused expression. 

“Winter.” Bucky’s voice was quiet. Steve nodded and reached out, stroking the cat behind the ears. 

“Well nice to meet you Winter,” he said, winking at Bucky. He noticed the cat’s missing leg and smiled softly. It was actually kind of cute of Bucky to adopt a cat like that. He wasn’t sure if cute was the right word to describe Bucky, but with how he was dressed right now it was hard not to. Skinny jeans and a much too large band t-shirt, his hair pulled up into a messy bun. It was hard to say it wasn’t adorable. 

Natasha looked around and then smirked. “Well I’ll leave you boys to it then. Text me when you’re on the way home James,” she said, patting the top of Bucky’s head like he was a little kid before walking away. Bucky shot her a dirty look, hugging his cat closer.

Steve watched her leave, a grin on his face. “Girlfriend?” he asked, eyebrow arched.

Bucky shook his head, cracking a smile. “She’s my best friend. And way too scary to even consider dating,” his voice was low, almost too low for Steve to hear. 

Steve nodded slowly, grinning, and Bucky’s heart sunk a little. “She seems… Intimidating,” he said, chuckling. “Reminds me of my ex, Peggy. She was really intimidating, but the sweetest girl in the world if you treated her right. Still not sure what she was doing with me,” he said, shugging. 

Bucky straightened a bit, looking confused. “You seem like a nice guy though, I don’t see why someone wouldn’t want to date you.” 

He said it before he could stop himself, a bright red blush spreading across his cheeks. Steve laughed and rubbed the back of his neck, smile softening so it was almost shy. “I’m not that great, but thanks Buck.” he said, winking.

Bucky coughed and fidgeted, eyes trained on the floor in front of him. “Let’s agree to disagree then.” Steve noticed that he was gripping the hem of his t-shirt, knuckles white from how tight he was gripping the fabric.

Steve barked out a laugh and nodded, putting a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. The brunette jumped a bit, head shooting up to look at Steve. “I can agree to disagree. Now come on, let’s get these lazy animals off their butts.” He shot Bucky a wink as he stood up and held his hand out for the other man.

Bucky took it, hesitating for a moment before their hands touched. He got to his feet, a smile spreading across his face. It was hard to remember the last time he had smiled this much, and that just made Steve that much more important to him. He couldn’t fuck up this friendship. He refused to mess up his chance at recovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta is an amazing person and without her I would be lost, I mean it. 
> 
> My friend vitious suggested Yankee's name. 
> 
> Next chapter is when things get good guys!!


	5. When your Past Comes Back to Bite You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets a call at 2 am. 
> 
> All hell breaks loose.

Steve woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of his phone going off. He didn’t recognize the number but answered anyway, figuring if someone was calling him at 2 am, it was probably important.

 

“Steve.”

 

It was Natasha, Steve recognized her voice instantly. He sat up and ran a hand through his hair, trying to fight the annoyance that came with being woken up. “Natasha? It’s 2 am. Wait, how’d you get my number?” he asked, half asleep.

 

“It’s James. I need you to get to where he lives as soon as possible. I’m on my way there now.” Her voice was harsh and commanding.

 

Steve’s blood ran cold. “Of course. I’ll be there in five,” he responded, getting out of bed quickly. He listened to Natasha rattle off Bucky’s address as he pulled on jeans and a white t-shirt. He didn’t bother with socks before putting on his shoes and didn’t even grab a jacket on his way out. He ran to his Harley and quickly rode it over to Bucky’s apartment.

 

When he arrived at the doors, he realized he didn’t know how to get in, and was startled when Natasha walked past him with a key. She let them into the apartment building, dragging him up to Bucky’s apartment. She was completely silent but her grip on Steve’s wrist was painful. They reached Bucky’s door and paused, hearing the sound of glass shattering along with someone’s sobs. Steve glanced at Nat as she unlocked the door, noticing how tense she was. He wasn’t sure of what was going on but, whatever it was, it seemed bad.

 

They stormed into the room in time to see a dark haired man hit Bucky, knocking the brunette to the floor. In that moment everything froze. For Steve, it was like the earth had stopped spinning. He felt his body tense and his blood rush in his ears, but he barely registered any feelings other than rage. It seeped into his vision and all he saw was red.

 

As quickly as it stopped it started again. It felt like the world had suddenly started spinning again and punched him in the gut. Steve stumbled slightly, taking in the scene. Bucky was the first thing he saw. The Brunette was laying on the floor, sobbing visibly. He had bruises on his face and there were bleeding cuts on his flesh and blood arm. He could see blood seeping through his white undershirt too.

 

Next his eyes darted around Bucky seeing the broken glass from a vase that appeared to have been thrown at Bucky. The man above him looked so enraged, his hands were clenched into balls and the veins on his arms were visible from the door. Steve looked to Natasha last and his blood ran cold. She looked completely calm but he could see in her eyes and anger she was feeling. Steve had gotten the sense from Natasha when they first met that she was lethal but now… Now he was sure of it. He didn’t see Winter anywhere but the cat was smart. It was probably hiding in a cupboard or under the bed.

 

He barely had time to react as Natasha tackled the man to the ground. “Get Bucky into his room!” she yelled, punching the stranger in the face.

 

Steve reacted without really thinking, picking Bucky up bridal style and carrying him to the first bedroom he could find. He wasn’t sure if it was Bucky’s room but it would have to do for now. The blonde set him down on the bed and heard a cry come from the living room. He didn’t have a single doubt in his mind that Natasha could handle herself. It was a risk he couldn’t afford to take though. As capable as she seemed, that dark haired man seemed even more dangerous.  

 

He sat next to the brunette on the bed and took Bucky’s face in his hands, kissing his forehead gently. “Breathe. Just breathe Buck. I’ll be right back. You’re safe now,” he whispered, lips still pressed to Bucky’s skin. The other man didn’t even nod, shaking too hard to really register what Steve was saying. There were still sobs coming from his lips but they were quiet now, muffled by his knees. He had curled up into a ball the moment he was set on the bed, as if to shield his body from more attacks.

 

Steve jumped up and ran back to the living room, watching as Natasha put the strange man in a chokehold. “Get the door!” she shouted, holding him as best as she could. Steve could see that even though she had the upperhand, she was still struggling to keep him in her grip.

 

He did as he was told, getting the door for her as she forced the guy out. Steve noted the blood lip and black eye, feeling a swell of affection towards Natasha in his chest. He’d be feeling that for a few days at least.  “Don’t ever come back, you hear me? If I catch wind of you showing up here again I _will_ kill you,” she hissed. Steve knew she meant it by the tone of her voice. Her face was completely passive again but her eyes told a different story. One of sheer rage and disgust. She was still tense, ready to strike at a moments notice. _‘Like a viper,’_ Steve thought.  Apparently the guy could read her body language too because he flipped her off and stalked away.

 

Natasha closed and locked the door, taking a deep breath. “Get me water and a washcloth. Cups are in the cabinet over the sink. James keeps washcloths next to the bandages under the bathroom sink,” she said quietly, and the look she gave him made him pause. It was like she was daring him to question her.

 

Steve could tell Natasha was pissed off because of her eyes. He was quickly learning that she wasn’t an expressive person but it was hard to hide emotions from your eyes, and with how close she was to Bucky he wasn’t sure she was really trying to hide it at this point. She stalked off to the bedroom, sending a shiver down his spine. Definitely angry. And lethal. The last thing he needed to do was piss her off further by asking the million questions that were running through his head. He just gathered the things she needed, mulling over what happened.

 

When he walked into the room Bucky’s face was pressed to Natasha’s chest. She was holding him close and she stroking his hair as he sobbed. They were mumbling back and forth to each other in a language Steve didn’t know. He thought it might be Russian but he couldn’t be sure and now was not the right time to ask. Instead he just sat next to them on the bed, carefully dabbing at a cut on Bucky’s arm.

 

Xx

 

When Bucky had finally calmed down enough to fall asleep the sun was just starting to rise. Steve spared a glance at the clock, sighing when he read the glowing numbers. Just after six am. Natasha got up and looked at him, gesturing to the door. He stood and followed her out of the room and into the kitchen.

 

The pair sat at the table, Natasha studying Steve intently. He thought she looked like a big cat that was observing their prey. It made Steve nervous and he thought for a while, not wanting to ask the wrong thing and have her wrath inflicted on him.

 

“Who… Who was that? Why did you call me?” Steve eventually asked, brows pushed together with concern. He hoped that was the right question.

 

Natasha let out a long sigh and drummed her fingers on the table. “I needed backup. I didn’t know how many guys were here. We got lucky, it was just him. James could have gotten hurt a lot worse.” She blatantly ignored the first question, frowning at Steve. “Thank you for your help with that Steve, you didn’t have to stay. I could have handled it after he was gone.” She seemed annoyed. Wrong question.

 

Steve stared at her for a moment, trying to figure out what to say so he didn’t piss her off anymore than he already had. “I… I couldn’t leave Buck like that. He was so scared. I trust that you can take care of him. You’ve been his friend for a long time now, but I just... I couldn’t leave him,” he sounded sad and exhausted as he spoke, eyes trained on the table so he didn’t have to look at her. His body was tense and rigid, the worry he felt for Bucky clear in his posture.

 

Taking a deep breath, Natasha looked Steve in the eye. “I’m going to tell you something about James. But you have to promise me you won’t leave. I’m James’s only friend because people tend to run away when they find out what happened to him,” her voice was firm and it sent a shiver of fear down Steve’s spine.

 

“I wouldn’t do that to him. Never. I don’t care what it is, I’m not giving up on him.” Steve stated, voice strong and serious. “I know I haven’t known him very long time, but he’s important to me. I want to see him get better.”

 

Natasha stared at Steve for a long time before her expression softened. “You really do care, don’t you?” she asked, sounding tired. So much more tired than a woman her age should sound.

 

Steve nodded, fidgeting. “I… I’ve never met a man like Bucky. He doesn’t smile often, but when he does. Well, it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I want him to smile as much as possible,” he said quietly.

 

Natasha watched Steve for a moment longer before taking a deep breath.

 

“I met Bucky while he was working for a man named Alexander Pierce. You’ve probably heard of him, he’s the one who payed for Bucky’s arm. It was an experiment by Stark Industries. Tony Stark is actually a close friend of mine, he’s been keeping Bucky’s arm tuned up and… He helped me get Bucky out,” she started, shaking her head.

 

“Pierce wanted Bucky to pay him back. He didn’t do charity. Well, he did on the surface, but that man doesn’t do anything for free,” her voice was cold, Steve shivered at the sound of it. “He made James a hitman. He got him hooked on drugs too; something to take the edge off between hits. James is a good man, a kind man. He can kill, but he doesn’t like doing it. Even when he was in the service he hated it. But he owed Pierce a debt.” She took a deep breath and tilted her head back. She was quiet for a moment, eyes trained on the ceiling. She was collecting her thoughts, trying to figure out how to word things so as not to send Steve running.

 

“The man that was hitting him is Brock Rumlow. He’s James’s ex boyfriend and Pierce’s bodyguard. He’s an abusive fuck and helped get James addicted. He took advantage of James, pretended to be someone safe. Someone that understood what he was going through and could help him. It’s because of that that James has trust issues. Honestly, I’m surprised he’s gotten as close to you as he has,” she finished, frowning.

 

Steve sat there for a moment, taking in the information. It was a lot, and hearing it made his blood boil. “Bucky hadn’t told me that,” he said quietly.

 

Natasha just nodded. “He doesn’t like to tell people. He’s ashamed of what happened. Thinks he could have done more to prevent it.” she said coolly.

 

Steve didn’t realize he had balled his hands into fists until they started to hurt. He slowly opened them back up, stretching his hands to get rid of the ache and staring at the fingernail shaped imprints now left in his palms. He vaguely noticed that they were bloody but the thought quickly passed from his mind. “Fuck. If I ever find these guys, I’ll kill them myself. For Bucky.” His voice was as calm as Natasha’s. She smirked at him.

 

“I knew there was a reason I could trust you Rogers. Don’t you ever hurt him, because I’ll kill you.” she mused, smirking.

 

Steve knew it was a very valid threat, but he couldn’t help but feel comforted by the fact that she could trust him. “I don’t plan on hurting him. The only way he’ll get rid of me is if he truly wants me gone. He’s stuck with me.” He smirked, folding his arms across his chest.

 

They both started as a crash came from the bedroom. They were at the door in moments but it was too late. The window was wide open and Bucky was no where to be seen. He had knocked over a lamp in his escape.

 

“Where did he go?” Steve asked, looking panicked.

 

Natasha just pulled out her phone and started dialing, speaking in Russian when the other person answered the phone.

 

Steve stared at her, waiting for an answer. When she was done on the phone she looked at him, arms crossing over her chest. “He’s going to his dealer. I was just on the phone with him. Apparently James made a call to him before he jumped out the window. It was more than just drugs Steve, Rumlow kept him drunk too. And he took up self harming to cope. We’re going to find him though, before he gets out of control.” Her voice was surprisingly calm.

 

“Try not to worry too much Steve. Just keep calm and keep your phone with you. If he calls you don’t ask about relapsing. Just ask where he is and get him. He’s like an animal when he gets like this, he’ll run at the first sign of danger.”

  
Steve felt helpless, but all he could do was nod. He had to have faith that they’d get Bucky back. What other choice did he have?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May I just say my beta is fucking AMAZING. 
> 
> I swear, if it wasn't for her this fic would be full of stilted sentences and have almost no description. 
> 
> So yeah, drama. Yaaaaay. And now you know about Bucky's Past :D 
> 
> Rumlow will be back, don't worry about that uvu I have plans for him.
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments <3 You guys are amazing <3


	6. Fix You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finally shows up again, Steve realizes he has a crush.

Bucky didn’t show up again for almost a week.

It took every one of Natasha’s contacts to find him, contacts that Steve didn’t bother asking about, on top of Steve and Sam searching every day. They checked shelters, the police station, everywhere. 

It turned out that if Bucky didn’t want to be found, there were very few people that could actually find him. He was very good at hiding.

The first time Steve saw Bucky after he came back the blonde almost cried. Bucky’s good arm was covered in fresh and healing cuts. Some were deep, some were shallow. He could see stitches on some of them. It made his stomach turn. He almost threw up when he found out they were self inflicted. 

“They’re not as bad as they were.” Natasha had told him, ignoring how pale and shaken Steve was. They had found Bucky three days before hand but she had kept him hidden. Too many people at once could send him running again. 

The room was dark when Steve entered. The only sound was Bucky’s ragged breathing from the corner. Withdrawal as a bitch and a half, Steve knew Natasha was trying to make him as comfortable as possible. The room was reduced to a mattress on the floor with a blanket and pillow so Bucky could sleep. Natasha was thorough. She didn’t think Bucky would attempt to kill himself but she removed anything he could use to hurt himself with as a precaution. 

When Bucky noticed Steve enter the room the noisy breathing stopped, dropping the room into utter silence. It was deafening. Bucky was huddled in the corner, shaking like a leaf still, but he didn’t make a sound. Not even when Steve sat in front of him. He felt compelled to reach out and pull the man into a hug but thought better of it. He didn’t want to cross any lines.

They sat like that for a long time before Steve was tackled to the ground by the man in front of him. He stiffened at first, afraid Bucky was going to lash out and hurt him but he instantly relaxed when he felt the other man sobbing into his shoulder. He was hugging him. Steve slipped his arms around Bucky, laying there and letting him cry against him. He rubbed small circles in his back, pressing his face into Bucky’s hair and whispering soothing words of encouragement.

“It’s gonna be okay Buck, I promise. I got you. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. I got you.” 

His grip on Steve tightened but his sobs became quieter and slowly reduced to nothing. The brunette carefully untangled himself from Steve, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Steve sat up as well, concern clear on his face and in his body language. His shoulder were tense but he reached up to push hair out of Bucky’s face regardless. He didn’t realize his hand was trembling until Bucky reached up and took it in his own hand. 

The brunette timidly pressed his face to Steve’s palm, his flesh and blood hand holding the blonde’s in place. 

“I’m sorry. I made you worry.” Bucky said quietly, staring at Steve. His expression was hard to read in the darkness but Steve felt him shiver as he gently brushed his lower lip with his thumb. He gently pulled his hand away, noting the sad little sigh Bucky exhaled at the loss. 

“No, don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry for that. You’re my friend, I worry about all of my friends. Ask Sam, it comes with the territory.” Steve winked as he spoke, trying to lighten the mood a little. Maybe make Bucky smile. He didn’t know if the other saw it but it was worth a shot.

“We’re friends?” Bucky asked, voice apprehensive. He couldn’t believe that someone actually wanted to be his friend. It had been so long since...Since someone other than Natasha cared. Actually gave a shit.

Steve laughed and ran his fingers through his hair. There was a faint blush on his cheeks that Bucky could just barely make out in the darkness. “Yeah, we are. I like you a lot Buck, you’re a good guy. I don’t like seeing you like this,” his voice was quiet as he spoke, he sounded almost nervous. “If you want to be friends that is. I’m not gonna force you.”

Bucky blinked a few times, hugging himself. “No. I want to be friends. No one’s ever put up with me like this, I don’t think I could handle it if I lost you.” the words came out before he realized what he was saying. His face flooded with colour as he realized how that sounded. “Ah...Sorry.”

A laugh came from Steve and Bucky looked at him. “Hey, don’t be embarrassed by that. I’m pretty attached to you if I do say so myself.” his grin was infectious. Bucky found the corners of his mouth twitching upwards for the ghost of a smile. Steve decided that had to count for something and considered this a job well done. He got Bucky to smile.

Even in the darkness Steve could make out all the cuts on Bucky’s arm. He furrowed his brows and reached out, gingerly touching the other man’s bicep. He didn’t miss the way Bucky flinched at the touch. “Buck...Why’d you do this to yourself,” he mumbled.

Bucky’s face fell and his eyes grew dark. “I… I don’t remember doing it honestly. It’s something that I only do when I’m too drunk or high to remember things. I’m sorry.” He sounded so sad as he started to explain his drug habits and drinking problem to Steve, the blonde was sure his heart was going to shatter into a thousand pieces. 

He wanted to gather Bucky in his arms and protect him from the world, make sure nothing ever hurt him again. It made his heart ache and his arms tingle with the urge to hold him. He didn’t want to cross any boundaries though, not at the risk of their friendship. Bucky was recovering and Steve knew he was getting a crush on the other man. He refused to impede the process by making Bucky uncomfortable, it would be better to just be friends with Bucky than to fuck things up by acting out his feelings.

Bucky was sitting in a haze, trying to wrap his mind around the current situation. Steve was in front of him. He’d tackled Steve and cried into his shoulder. And Steve didn’t run away. He let Bucky cry. Then he told him they were friends, that he wasn’t going anywhere. He couldn’t get the way it had felt to have Steve’s hand against his cheek out of his mind.

He thought about it, a sick feeling forming in his stomach. What if Steve actually liked him? As much as Bucky was starting to fall for the blonde man he knew there was no way it would work. Bucky was a mess, a disaster really. He was an addict with a past that threatened to bite him any moment. Steve deserved so much better than that.

They sat in silence for a long time, finding comfort in each others presence. There was something about another person being there that was helpful. No touching, no talking just… existing. In perfect harmony. Well maybe not perfect, Bucky thought, but close enough. 

The door opened and Natasha stepped in, eyeing the two of them. Bucky met her gaze and she let out a long sigh before walking over to him and sitting in his lap. She could always tell what he was thinking. It was what made them so good together. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. Natasha was really the only one that could hold Bucky like this without him getting too anxious. Kind touches were a foreign concept to him still, but he couldn’t get the way Steve held him out of his head. 

It stayed quiet for a bit longer before Steve stood, stretching and yawning a bit. “I’m gonna go, Okay? Call me if you need me Buck. Anything at all. Any time of day. I’ll be here,” he said, shooting Bucky a warm smile as he looked up from Natasha’s shoulder. 

He nodded, feeling a little sad to see Steve go. He knew it was for the best though. He had to let Natasha do what she did best when it came to Bucky, and that was put him back together. He knew he’d wind up calling Steve too, if only to chat. His voice was comforting. It was hard to find someone with a voice that could relax him like that. He wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to utilize that, even if he knew he was being selfish.

Steve left the apartment feeling a little better than before. He was still worried to death about Bucky but he knew Natasha could take care of him. He looked at his phone, hoping Bucky called him. He wanted nothing more than to help him get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyooo, Sorry for not posting on Wednesday! I got caught up in the other things I've had going on and my BETA has been busy getting ready to go back to school.
> 
> This chapter is currently unbetaed, if and when that changes it I'll update it. 
> 
> The chapters are also progressively getting longer but I don't exactly have a set ending in mind yet. I've been bouncing around ideas but I'm not sure what I want to do. It's gonna be at least 10 chapters at the end, probably more. 
> 
> As always thank you for the kudos and the comments, you guys are great and I'm so happy you like my story~!


	7. Kung Fu and Thai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky blinked a few times and leaned in a bit more, lips centimeters from Steves. The blonde suppressed a shudder as he felt Bucky’s breath on his mouth.

It was two weeks before Steve heard from Bucky again. Up until that point it was radio silence, he didn’t even get a text. Once a day he got updates from Natasha, detailing his recovery, but beyond that he had no contact. He was anxious, pacing whenever he wasn’t working and trying his best not to pull out his phone to call him. 

He knew Natasha could take care of Bucky, make him better again. It didn’t stop the sheer terror he was feeling though. He didn’t want Bucky to think he had abandoned him or anything, but he also didn’t want to push. Bucky needed space right now, he needed to heal. 

He was busy pacing again, mind going a mile a minute, when his cell phone started going off. He stared at it for a moment and then ran to it, checking the caller ID before answering. He could have sworn his heart stopped for a second when he saw Bucky’s name on the screen.

The voice on the other end of the line was so quiet, Steve wasn’t sure it was Bucky at first. “Steve…” 

Steve sucked in a breath, closing his eyes. “Hey Buck, how are you feeling?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck and trying to relax. He couldn’t fuck up this phone call.

“Better… I uh, I was wondering if you wanted to come over. Natasha had shit to do and I’m not at risk of doing stupid shit anymore so she left me alone. I just… I could use the company right now.” Bucky’s voice was raspy, Steve wasn’t sure if it was because he had been crying or due to lack of use. he didn’t know how much Bucky talked when he was like that.

“Yeah of course! I’m glad you’re doing better…” he said, voice dropping off. He cleared his throat, trying to will the blush in his cheeks to go away. “I’ll be there in a little bit, okay? Gotta feed Yankee and all that…” he said, making a mental checklist. When was the last time he showered? That was probably a good idea. “Gimmie an hour?”

There was a small grunt on the other end. “Yeah, an hour is good. I could stand to take a shower anyway.” Bucky said, voice still quiet. 

Steve bit his lower lip and sighed softly. “Okay, an hour then. See you soon Buck.”

Xx

A knock at the door alerted Bucky to someone’s presence. He stiffened, nervous. What if it wasn’t Steve? What if Brock was back? And if it was Steve, what if he fucked up so badly with this last freak out that things were awkward and Steve decided to leave early? He didn’t know which would be worse at this point. He couldn’t lose his friend.

He grabbed his gun, holding it away from his body as he slowly crept towards the door. Checking the peep hole it let out a sigh of relief. It was Steve. Thank whatever deity existed. He lowered his gun and put the safety back on before opening the door for him.

As Steve walked in he noted the gun in Bucky’s hand but didn’t mention it. He understood completely. Recovery from PTSD was difficult, and after what happened Bucky’s paranoia was completely understandable. He’d have to work with him on it though. It could be dangerous to always answer the door with a gun in your hand.

Bucky watched Steve carefully, reading his movements. “Thanks for coming.” his voice was still quiet, it didn’t sound broken anymore though. That made Steve exhale a breath he didn’t know he had been holding with relief. 

Steve reached out, carefully taking Bucky’s flesh and blood hand on his own. He hesitated for a moment, watching Bucky’s face as he pushed up his long sleeve. When Bucky didn’t flinch away or look upset Steve started to inspect his arm. The cuts were healing quickly, the worst ones fading into scars. That was a good sign at least. He let go of Bucky’s hand and the brunette brought it to his chest, metal hand clutching it. No one other than Natasha touched him that gently. It was an unfamiliar sensation.

They went and sat on the couch, Steve going off on some tirade about his job. He figured Bucky could use the mindless chatter as a distraction. 

Bucky listened, interested in what Steve was saying. He was talking about his coworkers and his best friend Sam and his dog Yankee. Just noise to fill the silence. He liked it. Liked having Steve ramble like that. 

When Steve started to quiet down, seemingly out of things to say, Bucky began to speak. He talked about his childhood, his parents. Growing up in Brooklyn. The two talked for an hour about Brooklyn, both excited to discover they had grown up in the same city.

All the while they slowly got closer and closer until they were sitting with their thighs touching, Steve’s arm around the back of the couch and Bucky’s hand resting on Steve’s knee, just inches away from each others faces. Steve noticed first, realization clear on his face. Bucky blinked a few times and leaned in a bit more, lips centimeters from Steves. The blonde suppressed a shudder as he felt Bucky’s breath on his mouth. 

And just like that it was over. Bucky scooted away, turning his head so he was looking to the other side of the room. Steve noted the way he pulled his knees to his chest, like he was curling in on himself. He wanted to reach out and touch Bucky, pull him into his arms and hold him until he was better, but he knew not to. 

“I can go, if that’s what you want.” Steve said softly, arm still on the back of the couch. Bucky’s head whipped back to him, eyes wide. 

“No. Stay. Please.” Bucky said, voice quiet. It sounded almost pleading. Steve nodded, a small smile on his lips. “We should get dinner soon. Did you want to go out? Or would you rather take out? Hell, I can cook half way decent if you’d rather that.” he said, trying to make Bucky loosen up a bit again. He didn’t like how tense he had gotten.

Bucky exhaled slowly, mind racing. He had almost kissed Steve. He had every intention to in that moment. But something was holding him back. A nagging at the back of his brain, telling him Steve didn’t deserve someone so damaged, so broken. He knew he couldn’t ignore the voice, not when it was right. Steve deserved better than that. But he could be selfish and hold onto their friendship, Steve seemed happy enough to be friends so he could be content with that. 

“Let’s get take out.”

They sat on the couch, side by side but not touching, watching cheesy kung fu movies and eating take out thai. It was the closest thing to normal that Bucky had felt in weeks, years if he really thought about it. Steve was becoming more and more important to him, every time they were together it was like another piece of his broken soul healed. 

At the end of the movie Natasha came in, dropping her coat on a chair and immediately sitting between the boys. She stole the rest of Bucky’s food, ignoring his protests, and changed the movie to What’s your Number? 

Steve chuckled at the movie choice, he wasn’t a huge fan of rom-coms though so he figured this might be a good time to take his leave. “I should get going, better go make sure Yankee hasn’t destroyed my apartment,” he said this as he stood and stretched, a small strip of his midriff showing as his shirt rode up. Bucky felt his face heat up as he watched, eyes glued to the tiny bit of skin he saw. 

He ripped his eyes away when he noticed Steve was watching him. Bucky was sure his face was scarlet at this point. “Call me sometime Buck, I like hanging out with you.” he said, winking before leaving. 

Bucky and Natasha were quiet for a long time before Natasha spoke. “You like him don’t you?” It was a statement rather than a question. Bucky just nodded, feeling ashamed. He couldn’t believe himself. “Good. He’s a good thing James. Good for you. You should go with your feelings.” she said, eyeing him.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about him since the last time I saw him. He deserves so much better than me though Nat. More than a shell of a man.” his voice was laced with sadness. 

Natasha just sighed. “You’re wrong. You deserve to be happy. He likes you. Let yourself be happy James. For once.”

Bucky didn’t say anything further. There was no way Steve liked him. It wasn’t even close to possible. Didn’t stop his heart from pounding a little harder at the thought though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An almost kiss yay :D
> 
> Feelings and stuff get worked out more next chapter uvu 
> 
> More drama next chapter too ouo
> 
> I plan on throwing in one more Bucky-breaking scene before ending this too so prepare yourselves. The chapters are getting longer too :D


	8. First Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A familiar and unwanted face shows up. Feelings are addressed.

It was a lot easier for Steve to justify calling Bucky by this point. Sometimes they set up times to hang out, other times they just talked for hours. Those conversations were Steve’s favourite. They seemed to be about nothing but through them the blonde had learned so much. He knew Bucky’s favourite colour, his favourite season, his favourite movie. The seemingly meaningless things that most people would overlook caught Steve’s attention and he latched onto them. 

Days were getting shorter and colder. The pair hung out at least once a week but usually more than that. Steve could tell when Bucky was starting to panic, he could tell when he was mad. He read his emotions so easily now. His favourite expression was when Bucky was trying not to be amused by some stupid pun Sam cracked or some dumb joke Steve had made. His eyes lit up with suppressed laughter but his face took on a grumpy expression.

The blonde tried hard not to find it cute, tried not to get too involved. He had to keep reminding himself that he was there for Bucky as a friend. No ulterior motives. He couldn’t let Bucky think he was being used for sex or anything, he couldn’t risk setting the other man back on all the progress they had been making.

He wasn’t aware of Bucky’s feeling on the situation though. 

It had been so long since the brunette had wanted something, wanted someone. Even with Brock, that had been a case of desperation and a desire to feel needed. 

Steve was different. Steve laughed at his stupid jokes and knew just what to say. Steve made Bucky’s heart beat a little faster and he had the most beautiful smile Bucky had ever seen. His heart broke at Steve’s beauty, at how genuinely good he was. He’d never met someone who wore their heart on their sleeve like Steve did. 

He ached for him, craved his touch. It made him feel like a schoolgirl with a crush, the way he got butterflies in his stomach at the sound of Steve’s voice. It was getting easier for him to go out and do things and he had even started looking for a job so he could have something to do during the day. He looked forward to Steve’s calls, needed them like a starving man needed food. 

He wanted so much more than what they had but he couldn’t ask for it. Couldn’t even begin to consider reaching out and snatching it. It wasn’t like he was oblivious to Steve’s feelings. The man did wear his heart on his sleeve and try as he might, it was impossible to hide the way he blushed around Bucky. 

Bucky didn’t see himself as worthy though, not of Steve’s time or his love. As a friend, alright he could handle that. But beyond that… He was terrified. He was terrified they would be together and Steve would realize his mistake. Bucky couldn’t risk losing Steve. No matter how many times the blonde said he wasn’t going anywhere his mind told him different. It whispered that everyone left. 

Even Natasha would leave one day. She’d get sick of him and she’d go. And then he’d have no one. 

It was a daily struggle, trying to rid his head of those thoughts. His social circle was expanding but it was so difficult for him to accept that people actually liked him. It was easy to forget those negative emotions when looking into Steve’s eyes though.

They were meeting for lunch that day, just something casual. Bucky had to question how casual he really thought it was, after all he was hung up on what he would wear. He knew Steve wouldn’t care, Steve liked everything he wore, but it still made him anxious. He silently cursed himself, adjusting his shirt. He’d changed at least three times now. The skinny jeans and henley he was wearing was the most casual outfit he’d thrown on. It brought out his eyes but didn’t look like he was trying too hard.

Even though he totally was trying too hard. He let out a long sigh, opting to just throw his hair up into a bun before slipping on his shoes. He made sure winter was fed and had plenty of water before slipping on his leather jacket and leaving. 

The walk to the cafe was short and for that he was grateful. Too much time in his head and he’d be second guessing himself. He showed up at the cafe first, ordering himself coffee while he waited for Steve. 

When the blonde arrived Bucky knew how hopeless it was for him to ignore his feelings. Steve walked in and his breath was gone. He was so beautiful in ways that Bucky was sure he’d never be. He felt his heart start to beat faster when Steve looked at him and smiled. 

Steve joined Bucky, still grinning even after the waitress took his coffee order. He loved seeing Bucky. He thought the other man was beautiful, intensely so. 

They were quiet for a while until their coffee came, falling into easy banter when the silence was finally broken. It seemed normal, in fact it was the most normal thing Bucky had done to this point and he had Steve to thank for that. 

His good mood was shattered after their first cups were drained. A familiar face approached and Bucky’s expression dropped from happy to neutral but Steve could see the sheer terror in his eyes. Bucky’s eyes said everything about how he really felt.

The blonde looked up and saw the man that had hurt Bucky a few months before. The hair on the back of his neck stood up and he tensed as the man approached, hands raised. “Easy there tiger. I want to talk to James,” the man, Brock, said. 

Steve crossed his arms over his chest, face defiant. “You’re not welcome. He doesn’t want to talk to you.” 

Bucky’s breath hitched. Steve sounded so angry, he’d never heard that rage in the other man’s voice. His heart picked up again as he realized that Steve was defensive about him. No one ever cared enough to protect him like that, no one except Natasha. 

Brock put his hands on the table and leaned towards Steve. “Nothing personal buddy but I really need to talk to James here. See, our boss doesn’t like him wandering around like this. He’s worried about him, knows he’s not exactly the most mentally stable.” He was speaking to Steve but staring at Bucky.

The brunette was sinking into his chair, heart racing but not from Steve this time. He jumped slightly when Steve reached out and gripped the front of Brock’s shirt. The look on his face… It rivaled Natasha when she was angry.

“You can tell your boss,” he spat “That Bucky won’t be speaking to him ever again. And you can tell him that if I catch either of you trying to contact him again I’ll make your life a living hell.”

Brock stared at Steve for a moment, shock in his eyes. That shock slowly turned into realization as he glanced between the two men at the table. “You’re fucking him aren’t you? God damn you really are a slut James! Couldn’t wait to get your dick wet somewhere else could you?” he asked, laughing.

Before Bucky could say anything Steve was on his feet. The blonde slugged Brock in the jaw, sending him to the floor. “I never want to see your face again, do I make myself clear?” he snarled. Bucky stood up, slapping a 20 down on the table.

“Steve. Steve let’s go. Please,” he managed, voice coming out choked and frightened. That seemed to snap the blonde out of the rage. He put an arm around Bucky, ignoring the other man who was sitting on the floor and glaring at them.

“We’re going to my place. He doesn’t know where I live and my apartment has better security.” the blonde said quietly, leading Bucky to his bike. 

Bucky could only nod numbly. He hadn’t been to Steve’s apartment yet, but he’d ridden on the bike before. Normally he’d relish in the closeness but right now he was too scared to think straight. His body was in auto-pilot, his mind fogged over.

He didn’t even pay attention on the ride so when they were finally in Steve’s apartment it took him a second to register that he wasn’t at home.

His heart was still racing a mile a minute but the panic had lessened. Steve was saying something to him but he couldn’t hear it. 

The blonde approached him and carefully pulled him to the couch. They sat and Steve said something else that Bucky didn’t catch. He had focused on Steve’s lips and was leaning towards them slowly. 

Their lips touched gently and Bucky marveled at how soft they were. Softer than he had ever imagined. His heart started to race and suddenly his mind wasn’t focused on the panic anymore. It was focused on Steve and his lips and getting more from them. He tried to pull Steve closer to deepen the kiss but the blonde broke away, pushing him gently against the arm of the couch.

Bucky was confused. Hadn’t Steve wanted this? Hadn’t he? Maybe he had been misreading his feelings, misunderstanding. He stood, wanting to run away. He felt Steve grab his wrist and pull him back down.

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky and the brunette began to sob. He felt Steve’s lips in his hair, felt him whisper something to him but he was crying too hard to hear.

They sat like that for a while, clinging to each other while Bucky sobbed. After a while he calmed down, finally able to speak. 

“I’m sorry for kissing you, I-” he started.

“No, No don’t be sorry. Under any other circumstances I would have been okay with that. But you’re upset right now, you’re in pain. I want you to kiss me while you’re smiling, not because you’re trying to cling to the first thing you see,” Steve mumbled, stroking his hair.

Bucky pulled away a bit, giving him a shocked look. “I do mean it. I like you Steve. A lot. But… I get what you’re trying to say. I’m sorry,” he said quietly, looking ashamed.. 

There, now it was out there. In the open.

Steve blinked a few times, a wide smile breaking out on his face. “I like you too Buck. When you’re feeling better we can try that kiss again. For now… Let’s watch some stupid movie and order take out, yeah?” 

Bucky nodded, resting his head against Steve’s chest. Maybe… Maybe he did deserve Steve. He wanted to believe that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're in the home stretch! I have up to chapter 11 written and I just need to do the epilogue and then I'm done with this :D Prepare for the rating to jump next chapter. Take that implication as you will but things are gonna get a lot more intense really fast. 
> 
> Sorry this is coming out so late on the day, I'm running on 4 hours of sleep and 3 cups of coffee. I had to make sure I was okay to proof read this before posting it, didn't want to make any simple mistakes. 
> 
> If I did make a mistake feel free to point it out! I'll be sure to fix it :3


	9. It Pays to be Patient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky learns how beneficial it is to wait for what he wants.

Recovery was a long and slow process. 

Bucky spent a lot of his time frustrated and on edge because if it wasn’t one thing it was another. If there wasn’t an issue with his recovery process it was how excruciatingly slow Steve was taking their relationship. 

Sure they had confessed feelings for each other but they hadn’t done anything beyond holding hands and the occasional kiss. Every time Bucky tried to take things farther Steve got this look on his face like he was terrified. Bucky knew Steve was worried about pushing Bucky and accidentally triggering him but the blonde wouldn’t listen when he was told that wouldn’t happen. 

It was so frustrating Bucky could cry. He’d been feeling better on his good days, and he was having more good days than bad. The bad days were still really bad though. Nightmares, moments when he’d walk around in a haze. Sometimes he forgot who he was, forgot his own name. 

Even though he’d been really out of it he’d never forget the look on Steve’s face when he said “Who the hell is Bucky?” on a particularly bad day. It was like Bucky had kicked his dog or something. 

And then there was the ever constant threat of Brock showing up again. Steve didn’t let Bucky go anywhere by himself, not that he would go anywhere alone anyway. It made him feel a little better though, knowing if Brock ever showed up again someone would be there. 

Natasha and Steve took turns crashing on Bucky’s couch or letting him stay at their places. It was getting better though. 

He just wished Steve wouldn’t treat him like he was made of glass. If he didn’t want something he would say so, but no matter how many times he tried to tell Steve that he wouldn’t listen. It kept up like that for weeks before Bucky finally confronted Steve about it.

They had been watching a movie and cuddling when Bucky had leaned in to kiss him. Steve had kissed back at first but broke it off pretty quickly. Bucky wasn’t having the best day to begin with, he’d been up all night because of nightmares, so of course he over reacted when he didn’t get what he wanted.

It quickly led to an argument. “Why am I even bothering? If you were actually interested in me you’d kiss me! You’re just doing this because you feel sorry for me!” he had shouted, voice thick with betrayal.

Steve looked shocked. “What? Bucky, no. I am interested! I just don’t want to rush this, you mean too much to me and I-” he started, flinching when Bucky shot him an icy glare.

“What about what I want? I’m not made of glass Steve! I’ve been through hell yeah but I know what I want and what I want is you! It’s not fair that I don’t know where I stand with you! On top of everything else! Stop treating me like I’m a fragile doll!” Bucky was on his feet, chest heaving. He was crying by this point, frustrated and scared. He knew Steve was going to leave and it would all be over. It was better to just cut his losses and walk away.

He wasn’t expecting Steve to stand and pull him into a teeth crashing kiss. 

The blonde held him in his arms, letting Bucky melt into the kiss and into his chest. When it finally broke Bucky pressed his head to Steve’s shoulder. “I want you to kiss me like that all the time. Like you mean it. Not like you’re gonna shatter me,” he mumbled. “It’s all I want.”

Steve rubbed small circles into Bucky’s back, letting out a long sigh. “I just… I remember how it was. When I came back it was painful to be intimate, it scared the hell out of me. I don’t want to start something and scare you. And with how you were abused… I just want to make sure you can say no,” the blonde mumbled, face buried in Bucky’s hair.

Bucky pulled away a bit, looking Steve in the eyes. “You’re not Brock. Not even close. I trust you Steve, I trust you not to hurt me. Yeah, it’s fucking terrifying. But I want it. I haven’t wanted someone in a long time. If it gets to be too much I… I promise I’ll tell you. You can check in all the time if you need to but I want this Steve. I promise.” 

Steve exhaled slowly and pressed their foreheads together, eyes still locked with Bucky’s. “If you sure then… Well I want you too. Maybe not tonight though? On one of your good days we can try,” he said quietly.

Bucky nodded and sat back down on the couch, pulling Steve with him. He kissed the other man’s hands, squeezing them gently. “Can we keep kissing though? You’re really good at that.” He was smiling. It was a goofy grin and it made Steve’s heart beat a little faster. 

He leaned in to press his lips to Bucky’s, eyes slipping shut. 

They wound up pressed together, laying on the couch. Steve was situated under Bucky, hands in the others hair as they made out lazily. He couldn’t remember the last time he kissed someone like this, with no sense of urgency and no motive to get ready for sex. It was nice, intimate but relaxing. 

He could feel Bucky above him, feel him gradually lose the tension in his body as Steve’s hands left his hair and travel south slowly. They came to rest on the other man’s hips, holding him to his body. Bucky’s own hands were resting on Steve’s chest, fingers gently gripping his t-shirt. 

The kissing came to an end pretty naturally and it was the best feeling in the world to Bucky. His life was filled with darkness and pain but Steve was a ray of sunshine through it all. He was kind and good. He made Bucky feel something other than anger and sadness, it was more than he could ask for. 

“Spend the night,” the brunette mumbled after a while, head resting on Steve’s chest. “Please. Sleep in my bed with me. I want you with me tonight.” He didn’t think he could handle the nightmares again. Steve chased the nightmares away.

Steve chuckled, a smile on his lips as he looked down at Bucky. “Sure thing Buck. I’m gonna warn ya though, I’m a blanket hog.”

He was grinning like he was proud of himself. Bucky just laughed and propped himself up over Steve, there was a happy look in his eyes. “Thanks for putting up with me I guess. I know I’m a pain in the ass.”

Steve reached up and cupped Bucky’s cheek, eyes shining. “Don’t even think about it. I’ve got you pal. I’m with you till the end of the line,” he mumbled.

They got up and went to bed, hands intertwined. 

Xx

Steve was still being slow about things, but Bucky was content with the speed now. They were kissing, getting to know each others bodies a little at a time. The first time Bucky went shirtless Steve spent a half hour just kissing the scar on his shoulder. It left him shivering and whimpering, craving more but knowing Steve wouldn’t give it to him. He had to be patient. 

Eventually Bucky’s patience was rewarded. It was a quiet evening the first time they had sex, nothing was unusual about the day really. It had been one of Bucky’s really good days, they’d been smiling and laughing all day before the kisses started. 

They were slow and languid like usual, but they held a little more heat than normal. It left Bucky blushing and breathless. “I love it when you laugh like that. You’re so beautiful,” Steve mumbled, mouth hovering over the other man’s. 

Bucky shivered and smiled, gently stroking Steve’s jaw. “You’re gonna make me melt into a puddle Stevie,” he joked, rubbing the back of his neck. Steve just laughed, leaning in to kiss him again. 

They were up laying on the couch again, shirts off and hips pressed together. Bucky was doing his best not to rock his hips, not wanting this to end. Up until this point if he started rocking his hips Steve would end it so he was a little shock when Steve was the one to start it. Bucky looked down at him, eyes wide and pupils blown with desire. “Steve…” he mumbled, voice thick. He rolled his hips down, a grin spreading across his face as Steve whined.

Their hips moved together, breaths coming in fast and hard as they kissed. “B-Buck wait. We should go to the bedroom,” Steve managed. He was reluctant to stop but he knew they needed to be somewhere a little more comfortable if this was going to happen.

Bucky got off of him, stripping out of the rest of his clothes as he headed to the bedroom. He was staying the night at Steve’s but he felt comfortable there so he didn’t have a problem jumping in the bed to wait for the blonde.

Steve followed him, watching as Bucky got situated. He bit his lower lip, exhaling slowly. The other man blushed, squirming under Steve’s gaze. “What?” he asked, feeling nervous.

Steve chuckled and walked towards him, reaching out to gently stroke his cheek. “You’re absolutely stunning Buck. Have I told you that recently?” he teased, winking. 

Bucky blushed harder and pulled at the hem of Steve’s jeans. “Stop talking and get naked,” he grumbled, embarrassed by Steve’s flattery. The blonde just laughed and did as he was told, stripping and digging through his drawer for lube and condoms. He smirked as he pulled them out and then dumped them on the bed, crawling on top of Bucky and kissing him gently. 

They just kissed for a while, touching each other but never enough for them to get off. Eventually Bucky couldn’t take it anymore and flipped them so Steve was on his back. He reached up and pinned the other man’s hands above his head, a mischievous grin on his face. “How are we doing this?” he asked, long hair hanging in his face as he leaned over Steve. The blonde smirked and wrapped his legs around Bucky’s waist and rocking their hips together.

They both groaned, Steve arching slightly off the bed. “Like that. Can we do it like that Buck?” he moaned. Bucky nodded and let go so he could put on a condom and grab the lube. He hesitated, nervousness crossing over his face. It had been so long since he’d had sex, he was afraid he wouldn’t do it right and hurt Steve. 

His fears flew out the window when Steve grabbed the lube and coated three of his own fingers. He pushed Bucky back a little, starting to open himself up. Bucky had more than enough room to watch so he did.

He was fascinated by the sight of Steve, three fingers in, stretching himself out and abusing his own prostate. The whimpers that escaped Steve’s lips made Bucky’s dick twitch with anticipation. 

“B-Buck. I’m ready. Please.” Steve whimpered, grinning as Bucky slicked up his cock and slipped in the head. 

Steve wrapped his legs around Bucky’s waist again and the brunette pinned his wrists above his head again as he finally went in all the way. They both groaned and it took all of Bucky’s self control to wait for Steve to give the okay.

Eventually the blonde nodded, mumbling please at the other man. The thrusts started out shallow and slow but eventually picked up speed. 

Steve encouraged Bucky, telling him harder and faster and crying out his name when his spot was abused. In turn Bucky couldn’t stop talking, couldn’t stop telling Steve how perfect he felt and how wonderful it was. He had a pretty dirty mouth to begin with but he was going all out. 

He reached down with his flesh and blood hand so he could pump Steve’s dick, enjoying the expression he made when his hand wrapped around the swollen flesh. He moved his hand in time with his thrusts which were slowly growing more and more frantic as he reached his end. 

They didn’t last terribly long, but neither had had sex in such a long time that they weren’t embarrassed. Steve came first, crying out Bucky’s name and spilling into his hand. Bucky followed soon after, bending over to bury his face in Steve’s neck as his hips rapidly snapped forward. 

He pulled out slowly when it was all over, grunting slightly at the feeling. “Jesus christ Stevie.” he managed, laughing a little. Steve laughed as well, sitting up so he could kiss Bucky.

“We should get cleaned up. Wanna shower?” he asked, eyes warm with affection. 

Bucky nodded, smiling up at Steve. He hadn’t felt this good since before he left for basic. He wanted to cling to the happiness as much as he could, for as long as he could. 

They got up and went to the bathroom to shower, fingers intertwined. Bucky felt like he was on top of the world, he had made Steve feel good and he didn’t have a flashback. He was proud of himself, despite the nagging voice at the back of his head telling him it wouldn’t last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLA. I've been wanting to write the smut for this since chapter one. 
> 
> If I have any errors in this let me know, I went through and edited it but it was worse than normal so there's a chance I missed something. I really need to stop writing when I'm half asleep.
> 
> Hope you guys like this, I also hope it was worth the wait uvu
> 
> The rating jump isn't just for this btw. The next chapter gets really intense and I'm going to have several tags for triggers. Just so you guys are aware. Enjoy the happiness while you can!


	10. Slipping Through his Fingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things were too good for too long, he knew that now. 
> 
> It was only a matter of time before things got fucked up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT SO HEAVY TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER FOR VIOLENCE AND SUICIDE
> 
> I have the suicide part blocked off by thick lines so don't read it if you get triggered by that sort of thing. Don't want anyone getting upset over a story.

Fate wasn’t done with Bucky yet, something he’d come to realize soon.

 

Things were good with Steve, great even. He was getting better every day, learning to deal with his problems head on. He could even leave his apartment on his own now, a feat in itself. His bad days weren’t nearly as bad as they used to be and he was having more and more good days.

 

A sinking suspicion in his gut told him not to get used to it. Something was bound to go wrong, he just didn’t know what.

 

It had been almost a year since he and Steve officially got together. They were planning an anniversary party of sorts, but Bucky knew it was more of a celebration of his recovery than anything and Steve would never admit to that.

 

They were having the party at Natasha’s house because it was the only place that could hold everyone. Bucky was unnerved by how big the crowd was but he was mostly ignoring it. He knew all of these people, not very well but he did know them. Since meeting Steve he had grown closer to Sam and from there he had met all of Steve’s other friends and several of Natasha’s. They were all really good people and really supportive of his recovery, he couldn’t have asked for better friends.

 

The party was in full swing when there was a knock. Bucky walked over to the door, calling out that he would get it. He opened the door, a smile on his face that instantly dropped off when he saw who was standing there.

 

His blood ran cold and his breath came in unevenly as Brock Rumlow smirked at him from the other side of the door. Alexander Pierce was behind him, face pulled into a warm smile but his eyes were ice cold.

 

Steve came up behind him, not realizing who it was at first. “What’s up Buck?” he asked, slipping his arms around the other man's waist. He looked up and saw them, eyes going wide. He looked between them and then looked at Rumlow’s hand. He was carrying a gun.

 

Clenching his jaw, Steve pulled Bucky back. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. He’s coming with us,” Rumlow said smoothly, holding his free hand out for Bucky.

 

By this time other people had noticed what was happening and were starting to group behind them. “Get behind me Buck,” Steve whispered, stepping in front of him.

 

Bucky could only whimper and do as he was told, tears welling up. His brain was shutting down, body moving of it’s own accord.

 

“He’s not going anywhere gentlemen. I suggest you leave before you’re made to leave,” Steve said calmly, locking eyes with Brock. The other man raised his gun, aiming for Steve’s shoulder.

 

“Nothing personal but I will shoot you man. Just get out of my way and no one has to get hurt.”

 

Steve continued to stand there, jaw clenching. He was completely still, body tense. “He’s not going anywhere,” he just repeated, locking eyes with Rumlow.

 

Bucky didn’t even have time to blink before the gun went off. He couldn’t hear for a moment, he was too shocked. It felt like the whole world had stopped as blood splattered on his face and shirt. When his mind caught up with what had just happened there was a rush of sound. He couldn’t see what was happening around him, couldn’t focus. People were screaming and shouting, he felt someone grab him and throw him to the ground, and then there was a kick to his head and he blacked out.

 

Xx

 

When he regained consciousness it was light out again. Judging by the weakness of the light it was either really early or he had been out all day and it was almost night again. He tried to sit up, crying out softly as pain shot through his body.

 

It took him a second to figure out where he was. He was on Natasha’s couch, in her living room. He could hear hushed voices from the other room, one sounded distinctly like Natasha and the other sounded like Sam.

 

He reached down and pulled up his shirt, looking at the bruising around his ribs. They looked an awful like a boot print. He pulled his shirt back down, sighing softly and trying to remember what happened.

 

Glancing at the door, he froze. There was a dried puddle of blood on the carpet just in front of the door. Steve.

 

It all came back in a rush and he started to scream, not even realizing he was doing it. Natasha ran out followed closely by Sam. She crawled onto him and pulled him into her chest, pressing her face to the side of his head and whispering to him in Russian.

 

After a while his shouts turned to sobs. He was clinging to her, shaking violently. She was telling him over and over again that Steve was okay and that Rumlow was in custody but it wasn’t getting through to him. He couldn’t stop crying.

 

Steve had been hurt because of him, because of his past. What if Pierce decided he wanted Steve dead? He was useless to do anything to help him. Natasha started telling him about a restraining order being put in place and describing how she kicked Rumlow’s ass. It wasn’t getting through though. He couldn’t put anyone else in harms way, he knew that now.

 

He told her what she wanted to hear. That he was okay, that he was just gonna go home and get changed and then he was gonna go see Steve. He knew he sounded hollow but he didn’t care. He just had to be alone long enough to get it done.

* * *

 

 

He knew Natasha was going to follow him home, that was a given. But she wouldn’t be fast enough to stop him.

 

Bucky went home, thoughts racing. He didn’t have access to a gun but he did have access to knives. As soon as he was through the door he locked it, pushing his couch in front of it. Natasha was strong but she’d have to come in through the window if she wanted to stop him.

 

He sat down and quickly wrote out his note, talking about how sorry he was for all the trouble he’d caused over the years. No one deserved to have to put up with all of that like his friends had. He told Steve how much he loved him and how he was sorry to do this but it was better this way, he couldn’t risk him dying because of his past.

 

After the letter was done he went into his bathroom, turning the water on as hot as he could get it and then stepped in. He stood under the scalding water for a moment, listening as Natasha tried to break down the front door, before bringing the blade to his arm.

 

The bite of the metal into his skin didn’t do much to clear the fog from his head. He just opened his veins, watching as the blood mixed with the water and slipped down the drain.

 

His jeans soaked up the hot water, making him feel like it was trapped in a stifiling prison. The hot air made it hard to breathe so he didn’t. He just shut his eyes and slid down the wall, listening to the sound of glass breaking.

 

‘She’s too late’ he thought, embracing the darkness that overcame him.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you guys the rating jump wasn't just for the porn :D
> 
> If you skipped the portion between the lines then Bucky attempted suicide *throws confetti* 
> 
> Part of the plot and all
> 
> 2 more chapters, there IS a happy ending. It gets resolved next chapter so no worries my babies <3
> 
> I've struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past so I know how rough it is. If you feel like that you need to get help, don't do what Bucky did here. 
> 
> If you feel the need to message me about this chapter you can reach me on my tumblr, asymmetricaljester.tumblr.com


	11. You're a God Damned Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky wakes up in the hospital.

When Bucky came to, he was acutely aware of a steady beep. 

He realized slowly that it was a machine, tracking his heart beat. His eyes opened slowly and he had to blink a few times before the room came into focus. He was disoriented and confused as he looked around.

The first thing he noticed was Steve sitting next to him in an uncomfortable looking hospital chair. He looked awful, like he had been crying for a long time. His shoulder was bandaged pretty extensively and his clothes were obviously the ones he was shot in because they were covered in dried blood.

The next thing he noticed was Natasha standing on the other side of the bed. She looked beyond furious. Bucky shrank back into the bed, locking eyes with her. She was terrifying when she was angry and he knew she had every right to be. No one said a word for a long time and the silence was heavy with emotions.

It was Steve spoke first. “You’re a god damned idiot, you know that?” 

Bucky glanced over at him, frowning. “I-” he started, wanting to defend himself, but Natasha cut him off.

“James Barnes don’t you dare start making excuses for what you just did to us,” she snapped, anger rolling off of her body in waves. “Having to watch you almost die by your own hand once was enough for a lifetime, and you went and did it again.” She started cursing in Russian, and it finally hit Bucky. He’d never seen her so angry. So… Scared. 

“Natasha,” he said, his voice coming out in a rasp. “I’m sorry.”

She stopped yelling, freezing for a moment before crumpling and bending over him. “Don’t ever do that to me again,” she said, gripping his blanket. He knew she wasn’t crying, she never cried in front of anyone, but he also knew how scared she was. 

He looked at Steve and bit his lower lip, worrying at it for a while. Steve was just watching him, tears still rolling down his cheeks. “This is selfish of me Buck but… I can’t lose you. I had just gotten out of the hospital when Natasha called, telling me what you did and I just… I lost it. You mean the world to me, please understand that. I’d step in front of a million bullets for you.”

His voice had dropped to just above a whisper by the time he was done. It was thick with tears and pain. 

“I’m sorry Steve, I am. I wasn’t thinking, I was so scared. I couldn’t stop thinking about seeing you on the floor and I couldn’t stop thinking about how it was my fault, how all of it was my fault… I didn’t want you guys to get hurt anymore. I’m so sorry,” he managed, trying his best to fight off tears. 

Steve sniffed and rubbed his eyes, gently punching Bucky in the shoulder. “Don’t ever do that again jerk. I’ll kick your ass,” he said, attempting a joke. Bucky tried to laugh but it just came out as a sob. 

After a little bit of adjusting the three of them were laying in bed, Steve with his arms around Bucky and Natasha with her head on the brunette’s chest. They were talking quietly, Bucky switching between Russian and English so he could carry on two different conversations with them. Most of it was apologies and threats of pain if it happened again.

There was a knock at the door that Bucky ignored, whoever it was could come in or go away. He didn’t care, his friends were more important to him at that moment. 

Sam walked in, eyebrows raised. “Am I interrupting something? I can come back…” he said, gesturing to the door. His tone came off as teasing so Bucky looked over to him and gave him a weak smile.

Natasha sat up and stretched. “We were just telling him how impossibly stupid he is, care to join?” she asked. It fell flat but Sam laughed anyway. It was clear that he was trying to ease the gloom in the room. 

“I got some good news for you guys actually, we can harass Bucky later. Rumlow isn’t getting out for a long time, and the police are looking into Pierce’s involvement. Natasha has security cameras all around her house so they’ve got footage of him being there. This might actually finally end,” Sam said, grinning at them. 

Bucky blinked a few times, taking it all in. He pressed his hands to his face and started to cry softly. Steve just pulled him closer, burying his face in his hair and mumbling reassurements to him. 

Xx

Natasha and Sam left a little after that, telling Bucky how stupid he was again. He was never happier to be alive. Steve stayed until they kicked him out but he promised to be back the next morning. 

He lay there that night, thinking things over. He thought about the past year or so and how much his life had changed in that time. He met the most important person in his life, got a damn cat, and was on the road to recovery. He couldn’t believe he had almost thrown all of that away. 

He made a decision that night before he fell asleep, one that he’d have to discuss with Steve. He hoped that the other man thought it was a good idea too.

Steve kept his promise. He showed up bright and early with Bucky’s favourite coffee and perched at the end of the bed while the brunette woke up. They were quiet for a while, just sipping coffee and enjoying each others company. Bucky had his eyes trained on Steve, a determined look on his face.

“Okay, what’s up? You look like you’re trying to unlock the secrets of the universe,” Steve said after a while, laughing.

Bucky blinked and then broke out into a grin. “I was trying to think of a way to ask you to buy a house with me,” he said, trying to sound as casual as possible. Steve sputtered, having been mid sip when Bucky said that.

“You… You wanna get a house with me?” he asked, blue eyes wide with shock.

Bucky nodded, fiddling with his drink lid. “I was just thinking… You’re the most important thing in my life except maybe my cat. We’re with each other all the time anyway and… I dunno, it was a dumb idea. Never mind,” he said, blushing. He was embarrassed for asking, it was a huge step and after what he had just done it wasn’t fair to ask Steve that. He hadn’t really thought it through though.

“Wait! Hang on a second. I’d love to get a house with you Buck. I was actually gonna ask if you wanted to move in with me after the party. Obviously I didn’t get the chance.” He was grinning sheepishly, watching Bucky’s reaction.

The brunette brightened up, his grin huge. “Well then it’s settled. After I get out of here we’re gonna go house hunting.” 

Steve moved up next to Bucky, putting their coffee on the table beside the bed and pulling him into his arms. “Sounds like a plan. I love you Buck, you know that?” his voice dropped to a whisper but his expression was one of sheer adoration. His arms were tight and secure around Bucky and he didn’t think he’d ever felt safer or more loved.

Bucky laughed a bit and kissed Steve gently, nodding. “I know. I love you too Steve. Thanks for dealing with me through all of this.” he mumbled.

Steve just chuckled and hugged him tighter. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP. NEXT IS THE EPILOGUE. 
> 
> I hope this chapter makes up for the last one uvu


	12. An Endless Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky was pretty sure it wasn’t possible for the sky to be as blue as Steve’s eyes.

Bucky was pretty sure it wasn’t possible for the sky to be as blue as Steve’s eyes, but on the day they moved into a two bedroom house together, the sky decided it wanted to try. 

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, not a single cloud was out, it was warm but not hot. The perfect day to mesh their lives together more than they already had. 

Of course all of their friends were there, helping the couple move their belongings into the cozy little house. They didn’t really need the help, between the two of them they could have gotten it all done and put away by the end of the day, but their friends insisted and after a few hours the house was ready to live in. 

It was Natasha’s idea to have a housewarming party. No one had a gift because it was a last second decision, but Steve insisted that they didn’t need anything. It didn’t stop Pepper from making a few calls out on the back porch. Something about a china set, Bucky wasn’t sure and he wasn’t about to eavesdrop on her. 

Sam grabbed Clint and they ran out for beer and pizza. Bucky was sure they’d bring vodka too because Natasha had been bugging Clint to do shots with her for a while now. He and Sam had a running bet on how long it would take for Natasha to get drunk. Bucky just laughed and kept his mouth shut, she’d drink them both under the table in no time. 

Steve was in the backyard with Yankee, getting the dog adjusted to the new area. They had an actual yard now, with a fence. They could just let Yankee out and not have to worry about taking him for a walk. Same with Winter even, if the cat wanted out they could just let it out the backdoor. Winter never wandered far so they weren’t really worried about making sure he was on his leash. 

Bucky wasn’t really sure just where his cat was, probably hiding under the bed and hissing at everything. He didn’t like change too much but Bucky figured all cats were like that. He hugged himself, looking down at his arms. His scars were fading nicely with the help of special scar stuff his doctor had given him and thanks to Sam and Steve he’d been seeing a therapist regularly since the incident so he didn’t have the urge to add more. He was healing, physically and mentally.

He was still shocked that Steve had stayed with him through all of that, he couldn’t have asked for a better guy. Steve was the light of his life, his best friend and his lover. Steve knew Bucky inside out, could tell what he was thinking just by looking at him, always knew what to say. Of course things weren’t perfect, they had their issues like all relationships did. Steve was stubborn as hell, Bucky had a problem with shutting himself down and not talking about things. But they made it work, they complimented each other in a way no one else could.

Bucky still swore he didn’t deserve a guy like Steve, but he was greedy. He’d never give the other man up, no matter what the cost. He loved him more than he could really say. 

Sam and Clint showed back up while Bucky was in the middle of musing, bearing pizza, beer, and vodka. He chuckled, patting himself on the back for calling it. The put the pizza on the table and everyone but Bucky grabbed a beer. The brunette got a coke from the fridge smiling to himself.

He didn’t drink anymore, not after his addiction problems, but he didn’t mind being around it. Alcohol had never been his real vice, it just tended to lead to him seeking out those other things so he kept away from it. 

They all talked and goofed off, Sam and Steve tossing a football in the backyard until Clint ran up and yanked it out of the air mid pass. Then it was a game of keep away, which mostly consisted of Steve and Sam chasing the other blonde around the yard until he dropped the ball. 

Bucky listened to Tony Stark chatter on and on in his ear about the tech in his arm, half paying attention. He had already agreed to let Tony look at it, even replace it if he thought he could do better. It was a constant reminder of what had happened to him but it didn’t bear the weight that it used it. 

If anything he wore it more like a badge of honor now, as proof that he had been to hell and he made it out. Sam was trying to convince him to talk to other vets about his experiences, it was an inspiring story. He was actually considering it. If he could help someone then maybe he could feel like he actually deserved all the good things in his life. Just maybe. 

As it got dark they all moved inside and Bucky got shot glasses for Clint, Sam, and Natasha. They sat on the ground, starting to do shots. Bucky just laughed the whole time, especially when Natasha drank them under the table. He was glad he didn’t warn them, it was too funny to watch. 

Eventually their friends all left, leaving Steve and Bucky alone in their new home. Bucky was standing in the kitchen, making himself a mug of tea while Steve said goodbye to Sam at the door. He took a deep breath, soaking in the good emotions of the day. It had been a milestone for him, one whole day without a single dark thought or upsetting memory. 

A smile graced his lips when he heard Steve walk up behind him and a happy sigh came out when the man hugged him from behind. 

“Today was fun,” Steve mumbled, burying his face in Bucky’s neck.

The brunette nodded. “It was perfect. Thank you Steve,” he said, voice quiet. 

Steve chuckled and kissed Bucky’s neck. “Thanks for what? I should be thanking you, you’re the one that agreed to move in with me.” 

Bucky laughed at that, half turning so he could look at his boyfriend. “It was a mutual thing, remember? Just… Thanks. For everything. For putting up with my crap every day. Today had been the best day of my life and it was so simple. That’s because of you. Because you didn’t give up on me.” His voice started out strong but eventually dropped in volume and pitch, coming out thick with emotion.

Steve sighed and kissed him deeply, rubbing their noses together when he broke it. “I told you Buck, till the end of the line. I meant that. I love you no matter what.”

They held each other quietly for a while after that, just listening to the dog outside and each others breathing, before going up to bed. 

Sure they had their issues but in that moment, Bucky was glad that for the first time in his life there wasn’t an end in sight. He hoped this stretched on forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THAT'S IT KIDS
> 
> THAT'S THE END
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this fic <3 Reminder that it was my first multi-chapter fic in like... 3 or 4 years ._. 
> 
> Hopefully I'll see you guys in the future with more stuff~!! 
> 
> Don't forget you can come follow me on tumblr at asymmetricaljester.tumblr.com, Don't be afraid to say hi~! I don't usually take requests with my writing as a heads up but I do like suggestions and my askbox is always open, no matter what you need me for :D
> 
> Thanks to everyone who left a comment or a kudos, you guys make writing worth it <3


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